Image: empty canoe with oars docked on a tree-lined lake.
In your passing, a long list of nevers and forevers have suddenly surfaced.
Your children are changed. Forever.
Your children will never see you laugh, smile or cry again. They will never hear you call their names again. They will never feel your hugs again.
They will never see you grinning and cheering when they graduate from school, go out on their first dates or win a medal in sports. They will never share another meal or movie with you. Never share another craft, book or song with you. Never spend another birthday, Christmas or summer holiday with you ever again.
They will never finish another round of homework with you, learn how to drive with you or ask for your advice about a promotion at work. They will never get to share their own partners, children and pets with you, if they choose to have them.
They will never whisper their secrets to you again. Never share their fears, hopes and frustrations with you again. Never describe their wishes, dreams and aspirations to you again.
Among their friends and classmates, they will forever be the ones who lost their Mom at a young age.
They will never be separated from this injustice, this longing, this loss.
They will never have the innocence of believing in forever because you were taken from them so early in their precious lives. You were there from their miraculous first heartbeats, their first breaths, their first words and first steps and now you are no longer.
Despite all of this, they will keep fucking going...
Image: inside of a silver bracelet engraved with the words “keep fucking going…” on blue fabric background.
Your partner and best friend is changed. Forever.
Your partner will never see you laugh, smile or cry again—not directly, only in the faces of your beautiful children. He will never hear you call his name again. He will never feel your touch again.
He will never travel with you again. He will never cook for you, garden with you or go fishing with you again. Never share another meal or movie with you. Never spend another birthday, Christmas or summer holiday with you ever again.
He will never be able to ask for your advice about the children or their schooling or your successful business again. He will never celebrate your children’s weddings with you, if they choose to get married. He will never share the joy of his grandchildren with you, if he becomes a grandfather.
He will never whisper his secrets to you again. Never share his fears, hopes and frustrations with you again. Never describe his wishes, dreams and aspirations to you again.
Among his friends, co-workers and clients, he will forever be the one who lost his partner at a young age.
He will never be separated from this injustice, this longing, this loss.
He will never be able to convince himself or your children to believe in forever because you were taken from them so early in their precious lives. You were there from his first date with you, your first and final homes together, your wedding, children and business together and now you are no longer.
Despite all of this, he will keep fucking going...
Your immediate and extended family, friends, neighbours and colleagues are individually and collectively changed. Forever.
We will never see you laugh, smile or cry again—not directly, only in the faces of your beautiful children. We will never hear you call our names again. We will never receive your hugs again. We will never see your texts and photos again. We will never be able to laugh with you, share a drink with you, sing and dance with you or travel with you.
We will never be able to ask for your perspective on our relationships, health or jobs. Never share our fears, hopes and frustrations with you. Never share another meal or movie with you. Never spend another birthday, Christmas or summer holiday with you ever again.
Among the remaining family members, friends, neighbours and colleagues, we will forever be the ones who lost you at your young age.
We will never be separated from this injustice, this longing, this loss.
We may look differently at forever because you didn’t get the forever you fought for and deserved. We will never be able to convince your partner or your children to believe in forever because you were taken from them so early in their precious lives. You were there for all our milestones, victories and difficulties and now you are no longer.
This permanence is the mindfuckery of grief and loss: the vast and unfathomable list of nevers and forevers, the inescapable truths we will all wrestle with for the rest of our days.
Despite all of this, we will keep fucking going...
And all of us—your children, your partner, the rest of us—share one last pair of absolutes about you:
Never forgotten.
Forever in our hearts.
This song seems to be a fitting accompaniment for this particular loss:
You Are in Love (Taylor’s Version)